15 things you won't know about Cleveleys unless you follow Cleveleys News

Cleveleys isn't just a retirement town full of old codgers. Occasionally their younger relatives come to visit too. But there is much, much more to the town, so here are 15 things that you won't know about Cleveleys (unless you follow Cleveleys News)....

1. There's always a bargain to be had

Cleveleys has more bargain shops than you can poke a walking stick at. It is home to the original B&M Bargains, as well as Home Bargains, Poundland, and a whole raft of similarly named independent shops. If you are looking for somewhere you can buy a loofah, some Wrights coal-tar soap, a pack of Cup-a-Soups with Arabic labelling and a blind bag of Moshi Monsters all under one roof, you've come to the right place.

2. It is the home of Mobility Scooter Jousting

The annual sporting event which takes places in Morrisons car park has made celebrities out of local residents such as Colin 'Paladin' Brown and Ethel 'Ivanhoe' Jones. The low-speed but often bloody tournaments have even made news outside of Cleveleys, with Preston-based TV station 'That's Lancashire' discussing the event (after we messaged them about it).

3. There are hidden Pirate catacombs

The pirate catacombs date back to the golden age of piracy and exist beneath what is now The Jolly Tars. Discovered during the demolition of Kwik Save, they are the final resting place of 'Black Frank Townend' and house the cursed treasure of 'Filthy Jess'. The catacombs are open to visitors on every 3rd full moon, ghost permitting. Ask at the bar.

4. It has a thriving music and arts scene

As well as the familiar sight of 'Doctor Hotfingers' the keyboard player you can also expect to see and hear rival Doctor Ocarina and his colleague Professor Stylophone; protest singer Market-Trader Martin; and Little-Thornton based Screamo artiste Barbed Wyre. Cleveleys is also home to art-house film director Falki Smith, whose film 'A Series of Disturbing Images set to Grindcore' famously featured a series of disturbing images set to grindcore.

You can hear some Cleveleys original artists on our record label Cleveleys Productions.

5. You can get married in a number of beautiful locations

The disused sewage outlet at Rossall, the bins behind KFC and the doorway of Dukes takeaway are all registered wedding venues that can make for a unique service that your guests are sure to remember.

 

6. There are 7 Wonders of Cleveleys

Cleveleys, a wonder in itself, is also home to the '7 Wonders of Cleveleys'. These include the The Great Chandelier of West Drive, and The Big Pink House. Some of the wonders are yet to be revealed by Cleveleys News, and some even suggest that there may be more than seven.

7. It's both Modern and Old at the same time

Youths and the decaying can both enjoy Cleveleys. There are local independent cafes serving tea and 'proper' food for the older set, as well as Costa and Subway for the youngsters. The mobility scooter showroom is just a stone’s throw from the skateboard park. In Cleveleys the young and old collide, literally.

8. It has the only real claim to trams

The famous tramway runs from Fleetwood to Blackpool, and  the two towns have spent the last 100 years arguing about who the trams actually belong to. What both towns have failed to appreciate is that Cleveleys is between the two, and it is impossible for the trams to run from one to the other without passing through here. We therefore posit that since them two can't make their minds up, the trams actually belong to us by default.

9. Celebrities love it

Well, they certainly love Cleveleys News. Our celebrity followers include Zach Galligan from Gremlins, singer Little Boots, and TV chef Phil Vickery.

Other famous people born or known to frequent Cleveleys include Roy Castle, Johnny Ball, and just about everybody ever investigated by Operation Yewtree.

10. It is the subject of the worst children’s book ever written

'The Sea Swallow' by Gareth Thompson is set in a fictionalised version of Cleveleys, and is literally the worst children’s book ever written. Dismal, dreary, and with a plot shakier than your nan's hand when she's offering you a plate of pink wafers. Your kids will find nothing enjoyable about the story of a girl whose dad dies, and then goes under the sea to defeat an ogre with his own paddle (because Ogres that live under the sea need paddles, obviously). They couldn't even give the book away, but that didn't stop Wyre Council...

11. Cleveleys has millions of pound's worth of art based on the worst children’s book ever written

When trying to think of ways to attract more families to Cleveleys, Wyre Council must have considered the historic failure of nearby Morecambe who blew an estimated £3million turning a much-loved park into a theme park based on Mr Blobby and on subsequent law suits. So what do kids love these days? How about that terrible book 'The Sea Swallow'....

But incredibly one of the pieces - 'Mary's Shell' - has become one of the most photographed landmarks ever, with thousands of photos appearing on social media daily, despite looking like a giant metal Quaver. We can only assume that the photographers don't know what it is.

12. We have our own superhero

After Steven Seagull was accidentally fed some radioactive bread by a deranged scientist he gained the powers of a seagull, and can often be seen flying above the town, fighting crime, stealing food, and defecating on cars.

13. It has over 500 charity shops (roughly)

There really is no shop like a charity shop. Grab bargains such as a 1970s board game with missing pieces; a soiled ‘live’ DVD of a comedian that might have appeared on a not-very-popular panel show, once; or an elderly gentleman’s coat with a half-sucked Werthers Original still in the pocket. And remember, it’s for a good cause.

14. Cleveleys has inspired many musicians

It is a little known fact that Don McLean wrote his classic song ‘Vincent’ about Vincent’s café on Victoria Road West, and the 1995 Oasis hit 'Wonderwall' is actually about the concrete sea defence at Rossall.

15. It has THREE ‘E’s

Amazing, but true. Cleveleys is spelled with not one, not two, but THREE letter ‘E’s.

Unfortunately many seem to forget this and subsequently we spend most of our time reminding people when frankly we ought to be reporting the news.

If you can’t remember how to spell it, try this handy little rhyme:

Three E's

has Cleveleys

Remember these

and spelling is a breeze

It’s not Clevelys

or Clevleys

you sees?

Spell it right please.

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